


Good intentions

by amaryllis (Lilly0)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Boys In Love, Comfort, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mistakes, Panic Attacks, Protective Steve Rogers, Romance, Superhusbands, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 09:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18280502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/pseuds/amaryllis
Summary: Tony had an episode. Steve just knows it, he has developed a feeling for it... the way Tony’s voice sounds a bit strained, how his eyes look tired, his skin pale. He does everything to be there for Tony when he needs him, to make up for the one time he wasn't... which triggered Tony's panic attacks.





	Good intentions

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my fills for the Stony Bingo. The prompt was "road to hell is paved with good intentions". 
> 
> Also, this is not super-depressing, so don't feel scared off please :-)

Tony had an episode. Steve just knows it, he has developed a feeling for it, of the way Tony’s voice sounds a bit strained, hoarse, how he is a tiny bit shorter on breath than usual,  the way his eyes lack any real shine, and his skin looks almost gray.

 

To the normal person none of this would even be visible. It’s all just tiny hints. But Steve has learned to see and understand them.

 

Tony came back from his workshop shortly after Steve returned from a meeting with Sam. It needed Steve only to ask Tony “How was your day?” to know something is off.

 

Tony smiles. One of these smiles that lacks any depth or sarcasm or teasing, nothing reaches Tony’s eyes. His skin is paler than usual, his expression too even, the color of his skin almost ashen. The corner of his lips tug slightly, a very small barely noticeable movement.

 

They are not tugging into a smile. Steve knows that now.

 

“And your day?” Tony asks in return.

 

Steve smiles, fingers reaching out to touch Tony’s face softly. “Okay.” He pauses. “Can I hug you?”

 

He has learned that rather than forcing Tony to open up, he needs to give him time and comfort, and be there for him.

 

“Of course.” Tony looks amused. “I’m yours anyway.”

 

Steve’s heart makes a happy jump at Tony’s words. He pulls Tony into a tight hug immediately, gives him as much reassurance and comfort as possible.

 

~~~

 

Steve has learned that when Tony is having one of his panic attacks, he is so caught up in it, he has trouble finding back again.

 

He doesn't talk much about it but on the rare occasions that he does, he once told Steve it’s like he is trapped in his own mind then, like there are walls he can’t rip down. He is screaming but no one hears him.

 

In moments like these Steve knows it’s not Tony yelling at him. It’s not Tony who pushes him away. It’s not Tony… yet it _is_ Tony. It’s important for Steve to always remember that this is part of the person he loves.

 

The problem is just... this part within Tony is on Steve to blame. Tony tells him it isn’t, isn’t Steve’s fault, but Steve knows that he is initially the reason that triggered Tony’s first panic attack back then.

 

 

~~~

 

It’s worse this time than the last times. Steve notices the moment the space next to him in their bed is empty and Tony nowhere to be seen. It's a feeling, just a feeling. Tony could have gone to the toilet or simply do something because he can’t sleep.

 

But Steve’s feeling tells him that’s not it.

 

His feeling indeed didn’t betray him because half an hour later he finds Tony, one floor higher in the huge bathroom. He is sitting on the floor, head leaning against the cold tiles of the wall, face pale. So pale.

 

“Tony...”

 

“Go away!” Tony hisses.

 

Steve kneels down in front of him. “I’m here, Tony.”

 

“I told you to leave,” Tony’s voice is hoarse, his body shivering.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Steve says softly.

 

He sneaks closer carefully, noting with worry how Tony’s hands shake more. He probably came here to retrieve his meds. Seems like it was too late.

 

“Leave me alone!”

 

“I can’t, dear.”

 

Steve should have seen it coming, he normally knows, but this time he was probably acting too fast because Tony snaps. His hands are flailing before he slaps Steve hard. He is still wearing a ring on his index finger. Shit, it hurts.

 

Tony covers his ears and eyes. “Go away, go away… you are not here...it’s not you… go!”

 

It breaks Steve’s heart to see him like that, but his therapist told him there is not much else he can do except for being there and reassuring Tony that it’s really him. He is not imagining Steve, it’s not a trick his mind plays on him. Steve is really here.

 

It’s fairly easy, he thinks, being here for Tony. The hard part is rather to convince Tony he really is here with him. He hugs Tony tightly, having understood that Tony needs to feel him to accept he is really there. “Tony, I’m here, it’s me. You hear my voice and you feel my body, it’s me. I’m not leaving!” He rubs his hands over Tony’s arms, trying to smooth the shivering.

 

“Don’t go,” Tony sobs.

 

Steve hugs him tighter. “I’m here, I’m staying.”

 

“It’s really you? Steve? Steve?”

 

“Yes it’s me.” Steve grabs Tony’s face, forcing him to look at him. “Look. This is me. Touch it, Tony. Touch my face. See for yourself.”

 

Tony does, fingers roaming over Steve’s face, tentatively first, before getting bolder. “It’s you,” there are tears of relief in his eyes.

 

“It’s me.” He hugs Tony again. “I promise, I’m here to stay.”

 

~~~

 

The sun is already high on the sky when Tony wakes up. He sits up and seems to be confused first. “Where am I?” he mumbles.

 

Steve is instantly relieved by how steady his voice sounds. Still a bit hoarse, but steady. “10th floor,” Steve explains immediately, nuzzling his nose in Tony’s hair.

 

Tony frowns. “Not in our bedroom.”

 

“No.” After Tony calmed down last night, Steve decided it would be better to make him rest immediately. Hence the guest bedroom.

 

Apparently his memory is slowly returning to him. “Oh no,” he groans. “I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry, Steve.”

 

“Don’t be,” Steve answers calmly. “There is nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“I should have seen it coming,” Tony mumbles, looking annoyed. Seems like he is pissed at himself. “I thought it was just a small episode. Did all the breathing exercises. I thought it was enough. I felt better when we went to sleep. And then...”

 

“And then?” Steve urges softly.

 

“I had a nightmare. And when I woke up, I was already pretty out of it. I didn’t even… normally I can still manage to wake you up for help, but last night, I was gone too far already.”

 

“You wanted to get your meds instead,” Steve concludes. “I’m so sorry, Tony.”

 

“What for?”

 

“For not waking up earlier. I could have gotten the meds for you.”

 

Tony laughs. “Yeah, such a shitty partner. Does not automatically wake up. Idiot.”

 

Steve smiles in amusement. “You are blaming yourself too, so stop the teasing.”

 

“Yeah, but I-”

 

“You didn’t have such a breakdown in a long time,” Steve interrupts him before Tony can say something self-loathing. “It’s not your fault.”

 

“It’s not yours either,” Tony says all of a sudden, more serious now.

 

Steve is not convinced.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Back then Steve pretended that he died. He didn’t think it would lead to Tony having the issues he has now. He didn’t know Tony would blame himself for Steve’s apparent death.

 

They had an argument right before they went into a battle. Then Tony watched Steve die, not knowing that Steve just pretended.

 

Steve never meant to hurt anyone, especially not Tony out of all, he just wanted them to win the fight, and he wanted to protect them. And to win he had to make their enemy believe that he killed Captain America. To his defense it wasn’t planned, he just acted in the spur of the moment.

 

He stayed hidden for a few weeks, not even a month. Apparently in this time Tony’s issues appeared and got worse every day. He began to see Steve’s spirit, his guilt making him believe that Steve was there to haunt him.

 

When Steve returned the first person he went to was Tony, but Tony wouldn’t even believe first it’s real. And once the realization hit him, he yelled at Steve, hit him, cried. Steve has never seen Tony cry like that. Ever.

 

 _I just wanted to protect you,_ Steve said, hugging Tony tight, his heart aching. _I needed to protect you. Please forgive me. Please. Forgive me._

 

It was not planned, he explained to Tony, not planned, which is why he couldn’t tell Tony beforehand. There was no time, no plan, nothing thought through.

 

 _And afterwards?_ Tony asked.

 

 _I was scared of ruining it all if I reached out to you. It might have cost our lives._ Steve explained everything, all his reasoning, apologized. Tony understood. Of course he did. He might have done the same.

 

But the fears remained. The panic. The stress. The guilt. Steve knows, Tony knows. Tony has it under control mostly, he is strong. So strong. But sometimes it all comes bubbling up to the surface. And sometimes Tony can only succumb to it.

 

 

~~~

 

“I’m so pissed at myself,” Tony groans again. “I let it happen. Should have seen the panic attack coming and told you.” He looks seriously displeased with himself.

 

Sometimes Steve hates being himself. “It’s not your fault,” he repeats again, sadly. He takes Tony’s hand to squeeze it.

 

“And yours neither,” Tony urges once more. “Steve, there is one thing I know for sure. It’s not that easy to determine who is guilty and why. In that moment you had no other options.”

 

Steve knows it’s true, but at the same time he also knows it’s not that simple.

 

“Steve,” Tony sighs, hands brushing over Steve’s arm. “Moping will not make it better.

 

Steve chuckles. “Sorry, mom.”

 

Tony kicks him slightly. “You did not just call me mom?”

 

Steve laughs, and suddenly the atmosphere feels lighter. Tony is right, moping won’t help anyone. What happened, happened, And he has to make sure from now on never to let it happen again.

 

“How about,” Steve offers. “You go to the bathroom, and I’ll make us coffee and breakfast meanwhile?”

 

“Sounds good,” Tony smiles. “And Steve?”

 

“Hm.”

 

“Thank you for watching out for me.”

 

~~~

 

When Tony comes back to the kitchen, he is only wearing his pants, his shirt is still unbuttoned. Steve has to fight the urge not to jump him immediately.

 

“Tony,” he says in interest. “Did you work out?”

 

“A bit,” Tony yawns. “I’m dating Captain Perfect-Body after all.”

 

Steve blushes slightly, but shakes his head nevertheless. “Your body _is_ perfect, Tony.”

 

Tony chuckles. “Tell that to my thick thighs.”

 

Steve frowns. “Your...” He rolls his eyes. “If your thighs are thick, how would you describe mine? Enormous?”

 

“That’s something else, Captain Muscle.” Tony steps closer, eyes suddenly seeming to have caught on something. He touches Steve’s face, fingers brushing over his left cheek. There is scratch. “What happened to your face?” He frowns. “Oh, jeez, I hit you? For real?” He looks at his right hand. “With my ring on.”

 

“Don’t worry, super-soldier serum, remember? It’s healing pretty fast.” Steve smiles teasingly. “I’m Captain Muscle after all. Nothing I can’t handle.”

 

“Oh is that so?” Tony raises his eyebrows. “How about your very needy partner? Can you handle him too?”

 

“If he eats his breakfast, I promise I’ll handle him all morning long~”

 

Tony laughs. And this time the smile reaches his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in such a writing laze recently, but it got better now, and I finally began to work on my bingo fills.
> 
> I hope you liked this! I know it didn't go too deep into Tony's issues, mainly because I didn't want this to be too depressing. I wanted them to be somewhat positive and happy in the end. Also, Tony doesn't blame Steve anymore, I think he knows he probably would have done the same if it meant to save Steve.
> 
> And yes, I'm guilty of loving Tony's thighs (or should I say RDJ's?) *lol* 
> 
> As always comments and feedback are loved and appreciated ♥


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